Silently, I lurk inside
Trying to break free.
Desperately, I search my mind
Who is the real me?
I reach for her
And call her name.
She turns in fear
and runs away.
“Come out, my child,
You shall not be harmed.
The world is mild.
Do not be alarmed.”
But still she just does not come near.
Just drowns in all her falling tears.
Written on February 24, 1998
“Until I am Alone”
My loneliness not compared
My heart’s feelings suppressed
Interaction hides my heartbreak,
At least for a little while,
Until I am alone again
And seemingly without friends.
My broken heart not repaired
My mind’s severely stressed
Distractions conceal my heartache,
At least for the present
Until I am alone again
And seemingly without solutions.
My disappointment not recognized
My problem’s not addressed
Diversions prevent my heartlessness,
At least for the meantime,
Until I am alone again
And seemingly without amends.
Written on February 25, 1994
Inside the heart lives a darkness there.
It seeps out and even gives me a scare.
Sometimes, creepy and nervous and all fidgety
Wanting to grab you in your time of need.
Blacker and darker,
Not gray any longer.
Creepier and stronger,
Crying even harder.
The darkness surrounds me.
I cannot help it now but to feel scared!
I open my mouth wide to scream,
The darkness disappears
Back inside of me.
Written on September 21, 2018
“Touched by Grace”
Toss all my hurt, my pain, my fear,
into the abyss.
All of which brought about
by one simple kiss.
Release me from this empty shell
and set free my soul.
With the wave of Your hand,
my heart, my mind, made whole.
No more will I wallow in tears,
the burden is too much.
For by Your grace I am freed
by Your sovereign touch.
Written on February 27, 1998
It is the slightest difference you notice and feel about one who is otherwise equal to another.
It is the subconscious working during every conscious action.
It lingers under the surface in every major decision.
We try to overcome it by just being aware of its existence but to no avail.
We think we have beaten it when we make a decision only to find it reared its ugly head after all.
We hire someone setting it aside, but we find we treat them differently and just can’t help how we think or feel about them.
Yes, it knows it has its hold on us and keeps us underneath its fist.
To truly break free from its hold, one must build a relationship with it.
Written on July 24, 2018
It has no name
It has no face
It has no form
It loves a chase
You can try to run
You can try to hide
But It sees everywhere
And It knows everything
It comes for you
With only one intent
To scare from you
What life you have left
You are a sacrifice to It
Which has seen your inner abyss
The place where you hide
Your deepest held fears
It can go there
And from within,
It draws you out
Like fear is sin
It punishes you
For what you can’t control
It works on you
‘Til it takes Its toll
Then, like a slaughtered lamb
It finishes you off, and
Leaves a once warm body
With cold feet and cold hands.
Written on November 18, 2018
“When It Comes”
You are creeping along my floor.
You are hanging on my wall.
You are lying on my ceiling.
You have bolted my doors.
You poke at me in the darkness.
I am filled with terror.
Your hand lays upon my shoulder.
I regret my life’s errors.
I feel your nails dig in deep,
Pressing into my flesh.
I feel your head near mine,
On my ear, your cold breath.
I beg. I plead. I apologize.
I scream. I cry out. I even lie.
“I’ll give you my soul but not today.
Come back and take it on another date.”
It screeches so loudly.
I cover my ears.
It’s eyes turn red.
I fill with fear.
It grabs me by the neck.
It’s intentions clear.
And just like that,
Written on September 22, 2018
Despair eats at my soul.
I give in to the pain.
No more will I be whole,
Or believe I am sane.
Breaking from within, I see
Hurt not yet discovered.
The hurt envelops me,
Never to recover.
Giving in to despair,
I fall into the ash.
No fire burns in here.
The heart and soul clash.
Written in February 27, 1998
My pain I just could not deny.
It hurt to not be at his side.
Rebellion was not my intent.
And if guilty, I do repent.
Submission is my heart’s desire,
Even after he called me. “Liar.”
He thinks I practice witchery,
And I do not, obviously.
He practices hypocrisy,
And with that, he would not agree.
Lashing out at one another
Has accomplished merely nothing.
The problems remain unresolved.
The young wreak havoc due to cause.
We should not be divided.
Through this, we must stand united,
But when all hell’s broken loose,
There comes a time you have to choose.
Someone must make the sacrifice,
The price to pay for being nice.
Since I am the scapegoat in this,
I know now just what he can kiss.
Written on February 17, 1999
Pain builds to a point when it explodes.
Emotions override our thoughts,
And our actions seem to matter not.
One may not even mean to hurt another.
Emotions may just cause dramatic twists;
And therefore, can one be held accountable for this?
One’s perceptions are distorted by emotions.
In desperation, one expresses his feelings,
And all the while, the heart breaks as one tries to reason.
Even good intentions can prove to be a downfall.
Wanting to help others can bring you too close.
Those unwilling to help themselves are like a drug overdose.
We become a ball of explosive emotions
Failure to control them ultimately destroys us
And our ability to recognize what Love is.
Written on February 4, 1996